18 posts from 2009

When will the tears stop?

Dec 18, 2009
1 comment

Dear Rory,

I'm home alone tonight and decided that this is the right moment to write you a letter. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through most of the 15th just fine, only to break down while talking to a friend at school after the kids were gone. While talking to her, I realized it had been two years since I last saw you. The ache in my heart immediately came back. I miss you.

The rest of the week has been kind of funny in a weird way. After pulling myself together, I left school on Tuesday only to meet up with a train in Rosemount and, as if it were mocking me, the engine car stayed at my pace for 2 - 3 blocks. I could only laugh and shake my head. Fuck you, you bastard, humf. Me, Brian and the girls headed to IGH for dinner with Mom and Dad that night and on the way home I was trying to find something on the radio to listen to. I stopped on The Current only to hear Brother Ali. Really?! Brian could only giggle. Finally, yesterday while driving home, I again was flipping channels in the car, landed on The Current and what were they playing? The Streets. That band. That band that you brought to the house to listen to because, heaven forbid, we eat without music on. I hated the CD and got scolded for it. Are you just on my mind? Are these things coincidence? Do you have anything to do with it?

I'm not angry. At least I don't think I am. I am sad. I want the hole in my heart to be filled. That will never happen. I want December to come and I don't want to cry. I've found out the only way to do that is to be medicated and that's not such a bad idea.

I can say that I don't think about you every day. To some extent, I'm glad about that. You come into my thoughts at least once a week, if not more, but not every day. Most of the time the memories are good ones. I can hear your laugh, see your charming smile and feel your warmth when you would let me give you a hug. It is now, during this time of year that the tears come. I will be glad to see them go.

Brian and I are going to have a third child. One more beautiful baby to bring into our family. You will never know that child. Natalie remembers you. Macie doesn't, but it is my memory of you holding her and interacting with her that I love. I will not have that with this child. Again, the tears come.

Two years. Sometimes that feels like such a long time and others, not at all. How will I be feeling next year or in 5 or 10 years? Only time will tell.

I love you.

I miss you.

Gina

Happy Birthday Rory.

Dec 15, 2009
1 comment

33.

GOULASH

Sep 24, 2009
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I think my blog is turning into a recipe site. Oh well. I love goulash because I think there is a million different ways to make it. I feel that if it is to be a true goulash it must have noodles, hamburger and ketchup. Just my opinion.

Here is my version of Goulash Hotdish.

Goulash

1 lb. Hamburger

1/2 onion (diced)

2 cloves garlic (diced)

2 cups elbow macaroni (uncooked) (We like Tinkyada GF)

2 cups water

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)

1/4 cup barbecue sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's is GF)

3/4 cup ketchup (Heinz is GF)

Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Shredded Cheese

Brown hamburger, onion and garlic in large pot. Depending on how much grease produced by the meat, you may want to drain it. I used a leaner hamburger so I didn't have to drain any of the grease. Season to taste with Lawry's Seasoning Salt. Add macaroni, water, tomatoes, black beans, katchup and barbecue sauce. Stir well, cover and let simmer until macaroni is tender. Serve in bowls and top with shredded cheese.

Easy and only takes about 20 minutes. Also Gluten Free if you use the right kind of macaroni, ketchup and barbecue sauce. Enjoy!

Bread? We don't need no stinking bread!

Aug 22, 2009
1 comment

My new favorite lunch:

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Cream Cheese

Meat (sliced turkey or ham)

American Cheese

Sliced Pickles

Schmear the cream cheese on a piece of lettuce and top with your choice of meat and cheese. We added pickles too because we love pickles in our household. Roll up and enjoy. It is so yummy!! Instead of cream cheese, I put ranch dressing on Brian's because that's how he rolls. Mo and I, however, could swim in a vat of cream cheese. I believe you could slap some onion and a piece of tomato on there as well.

Who loves meatloaf?

Aug 11, 2009
2 comments

When Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I signed up to get daily recipes from Gluten Free Club. I didn't have to sign up for the club to get the recipes, so, game on. Every once in a while they will send a recipe that uses mostly "regular" food. Yesterday they sent a meatloaf recipe that is amazing! I changed it a little, but it was still very good!

Here it is.

Italian Meatloaf

1 1/2 lbs. ground pork
3 eggs
1 cup cooked rice
1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1/2 tablespoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons dried chopped chives

2 cloves chopped garlic (or you could add onion)
1 teaspoon dried basil + 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 cup ketchup

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F degrees.

Mix all ingredients together well in a very large bowl.

Press mixture into a loaf pan (the temps and times are for glass loaf pans.) Bake for 55 minutes.

**I put the mixture into jumbo muffin tins (greased) and filled them with the meat mixture 3/4 full. Individual serving sizes are fun! They may not need to be cooked 55 min. I think I cooked mine for 45-50 min.

Remove from oven and pour off some fat.

Cover tops of meatloaves with a generous layer of ketchup.

Bake 15 minutes longer.

Cool 10 to 15 minutes before cutting loaf.

So you wanna make a cake...

Jun 28, 2009
2 comments

I can't tell you when it started. I can tell you that I didn't start the cake making. This was the first year that I have made a cake for one of the girls (nieces) birthdays. Hailey wanted a Barbie cake, so I thought I thought I would step up to the plate. It was a little nerve racking, but it ended up turning out alright.

Hailey's Barbie Cake

Other cakes that have been made are the two shown here, made by Sarah, to look like my girls' favorite security item. Natalie's Lamby and Macie's blanket, or Na as she likes to call it. Sarah has also made a cake to look like a sun for Chloe's first birthday and Beth made a small rectangular cake to look like a present for Hailey's first birthday. I unfortunately don't have pictures of those off hand, but may add them later.

Natalie's Lamby Cake

Macie's Blanket Cake

As you can tell, marshmallows is one of our favorite decorating tools! What next?

I like this.

Jun 3, 2009
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Lady Sovereign

Happy Birthday Baby!!!!

May 31, 2009
6 comments

Nattie B-Day

I'm 4!

Unforgettable

May 25, 2009
1 comment

Dear Rory,

I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.

When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.

For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same.

I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to.

I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.

I will forever love you and miss you.

Gina.

How do you like your cheese?

May 2, 2009
3 comments

My conversation in the car with Natalie tonight was about farm animals. Two weeks ago farm animals was the theme at preschool. Her first statement was:

Natalie: "Mom, did you know that cows make milk?"
Me: "Yep, I do. Do you think brown cows make chocolate milk?
Natalie in a very confused voice: "I think they do..."

The conversation continued onto many other farm animals, including horses. I told her that along with pulling carriages and horse back rides, they also make glue. That one flew over her head. Our conversation ended with goats.

Me: "Did you know that goats make milk too?"
Natalie: "They do?"
Me: "Yep. Some people drink goat's milk, but we usually drink milk from cows."
Natalie: "Yeah, I like milk from cows."
Me: "But goat cheese is good. I really like goat cheese."
Natalie: "Oh. I just like my cheese plain."

REALLY! Really. Good Lord. I thought Brian was going to pee his-self.