Dear Rory,
It's been a year since you took your life. Thoughts of you have come more frequently as December continues to roll on. I have to admit, I kind of liked the past few months where I didn't think of you as often. They were much easier. I had such anxiety about what December was to bring that I had difficulty focusing on what was happening in the present. Though out most of the month I was able to repeat "Here and Now" to myself when I noticed I was starting to think about how I was going to be feeling as your 32nd birthday and the anniversary of your choice came closer. But what was I suppose to do as those days came. I was stuck in the middle of them and there wasn't a way out.
I seemed to make it though the week OK. I met with a good friend for coffee, went to the doctor to see if there should be any changes to my medication since I had not noticed the effects of it all that much these past few weeks, and met with our pastor to talk out how to get through some of the pain and sadness I have been feeling. All of these things were proactive on my part and I can say that I am proud of myself for doing them. I was hoping that by talking to people I trusted in the different areas of my life I would be able to make it through yesterday with less grief and sadness. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
On the 19th, I was able to get to my classroom and most of the morning before the kids came in without crying. I now know why you didn't like the casual question "How are you doing?" I didn't want to be dishonest, but I did want to avoid the answer. It's like if you don't say "Good" people automatically start to ask more questions and pry into what is making you just feel "OK." I know they are trying to be helpful and caring, but I just didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to be a basket-case all day. When my teammate asked me how I was and I answered "Just trying to get through today." She immediately said, "This is the day, isn't it." and proceeded to give me a big hug. This is when I started crying. I pulled myself together and got on with the morning.
As the day went on, I had some fun with the kids and sent them off to recess and lunch. I spent my lunch in my classroom, eating Marshmallow Mateys, and sometime during that 30 minutes my friend Crystal came into my room to drop off a simple gift of a Harry and David Pear. I had told her about these pears and she dropped one off as a surprise for me. I found her in the lunchroom eating lunch with her oldest son and gave her a big hug for her kindness. This was the second time the tears came down. I was worried if I would be able to get them to stop this time.
On this Friday, we decided to have everyone over for cereal. Both Brian and I thought it would be good to be with friends and up until that day, I thought it would be too. It ended up being great for Brian but not for me. Because of when the tears had come earlier in the day, I started to wonder what I would do once everyone came over. As you know, we are huggers, and I didn't know that I would be able to hug anyone without crying. I didn't want to be that person at the get together. Most likely everyone's thoughts were on you and I didn't want Friday to be sad. So, if I just sat on the couch I didn't have to hug anyone full on. My attitude wasn't the best either and I feel bad about it. But I think I am angry at you for that.
Most of my anger at you has subsided, but every once in a while it will show up and I will be pissed for a while before it subsides again. I get angry that you left us and that Nattie doesn't know who you are anymore and that Macie never will. I get angry that I will never hear your laugh or feel your hug again. I get angry that I will never hear your long winded opinions on music and movies again.
Once the anger is gone I feel very sad. I feel sad that you had to live in so much pain for so much of your life. I feel sad that I didn't get to spend more time with you or that I maybe didn't make enough time for you. I constantly wonder about how much I was actually able to help you. I think most of the time I nagged you and I even got angry because you weren't motivated to do something that Brian and I suggested. I think you probably got annoyed because we were calling you every couple of days to see if you were trying to get back on track.
I mostly feel sad because I have not forgiven you yet. It has been a year, and I am unable at this point in time to forgive you. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it is an image of you at the tracks and how you were able to do what you did. Other times it is your smile, your sexy charm face or how boney your collar bone and shoulder were when you let me hug you tight like a hug should be.
I feel grateful that I was able to hug you. That I knew you well enough that your voice is still ingrained in my head. That when you were feeling really generous, you would let me put my hands on your always toasty warm belly. That you trusted me enough to let me into a part of your life that you were not so proud of. That you attended our wedding. That we have your speech from our wedding on tape. That you have held both of my children. That I will never view music the same again.
I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that I miss you very much.
Love always,
Gina
Um. I don't know what else to say.
Love it!
DISCLAIMER: As I said in the post before this, here is my most recent letter to Rory. Please don't read if you don't want to. It may not be helpful for everyone to write letters to people who can no longer read them, but just writing them has been very theriputic for me. If you are up for it, I suggest giving it a try. I have just made the choice to share them with others. I did add "The loves and hates of Rory" if you would only like to read that at the end of the letter. I hope everyone is healing the best they can.
Dear Rory,
You've been gone for 7 months now. It seems like years some days and others it seems like I just saw you and we were chatting about something. We spread your ashes Thursday, July 24th and I was quite numb about it. We have some too. Part of me thinks taking the ashes was a good thing and another part doesn't really care. It's not you. You are gone. This is the physical piece that we are holding on to. We will put it in the ground for closure I guess.
There are days where I have to remind myself that you are dead. I have to remind myself that I will never talk to you again. Never is a hard thing to grasp. I don't know that I can. On the days that I come close to knowing what never is, I get angry. Angry at you and your disease. I get angry because I have a hard time accepting your choice. I don't know what was going on in your head, so I can't say that you should have kept trying. I don't know what I would have done if I were you.
The mother in me wants to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok and do everything in my power to help get you through your hard time. The same that I will do for my own children. I think I am mad because you didn't want any more help. You were tired of help. You were tired of not feeling "right."
I don't know what everyday life was like for you. I know that I didn't like feeling as if I had no control over my actions or own everyday habits. My depression is so much different than what yours was. My depression doesn't consist of suicidal thoughts or death in any form. I do know that I hated that Brian was worrying about me and that he felt helpless. Just him being there for me was enough and I don't think I was able to express that to him at the time.
I wonder if you would have found someone to live for if you would still be here. I wonder why me, Brian, Paul, Karen, Hannah, Mary and many others weren't those people. Then I have other thoughts of how happy I am that you wern't involved with anyone because love or no love, this action of suicide was inevitable. I thank God many days that you pushed certain people away so you wouldn't hurt them even further than you already have.
I feel that we do go on to another place when we die. I don't know if all of us go there for not. I do feel like there are certain kinds of people that don't belong there. Maybe some people deserve to suffer once they are gone. You had to suffer while you were here, so I don't think, just because you chose to end your life instead of leaving it up to some higher power, that you were not saved like you said. The kind of Creator that I believe in wouldn't let you go anywhere else.
It's hard to tell others you killed yourself. Then if they happen to ask how - the reaction is always the same. If I tell people that you're gone and that you had bi-polar disorder, again the reaction is the same. People can't help but have a certain stereotype about those going through depression. In turn, I go into defense mode and start to defend my friend who took his life just as many others defend false stereotypes.
I don't know how to end this letter. I don't have anger. I have sadness. I don't know how to accept. But I can understand. Like before...
I love you. I miss you. And I hate that you are not here.
Yours,
Gina
Something extra...The Loves and Hates of Rory.
Hate
- Your disease
- Your mom
- Your love of "The Streets" music
- That you are dead
- When I am angry at you
- Your vocabulary
- The way you used to make me explain my reasoning
- That you needed to eat with backround music on
Love
- Your charm, wit and sarcastic undertones
- Your laugh
- Your hair
- The hilarious messages you used to leave on our machine
- The way you could never take a normal picture
- Your hugs when you were well enough to give real ones
- That you always had to remind Brian that you didn't like mint flavoring or cheese...except on pizza of course
Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!
Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.
So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.
We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.
G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"
B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."
G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."
It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.
I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.
Moving on...
We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.
Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.
Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever.
Need I say more?
This child has the capability to walk. Will she? No. It is so frustrating!!! She can walk along furniture, walls, with the help of ONE finger, a pant leg or with anything she can push in front of her, but she won't do it on her own. First of all she thinks I am her horse. When I pick her up she kicks my side and points to where she wants to go. When I don't bring her or don't take her to what she was pointing at and saying "DA!" she throws a complete fit. She is Little Miss Do Everything In My Own Time and it SUCKS! We have tried making her walk. Doesn't work. She throws herself on the floor and screams like someone is pulling her arms out of the socket. The only good thing out of this situation is that she has now learned how to crawl and is pretty fast. So, not so much butt scooting now-a-days. She is a 27 pound kid and my back hurts from carrying her. WALK DAMN IT! I SWEAR IT IS EASIER THAN CRAWLING AT YOUR SIZE!
I am writing this blog to remember that she is almost 17 months and not walking. I am also hoping that in two days I can write again to tell everyone that miraculously she started to walk. We'll see what happens.
Yes I am. I never really sleep anyways. I just rest with my eyes closed. Just think of all the things I could get done if I spent my 8 hours a night doing things around the house instead of resting!
I was finishing up on some master's stuff and decided to catch up on blogs. Way to go everyone!
I love Sarah's stamped concrete, I'm sad about Amy's impatients, I won't comment on Molly's recent entry and love the picture that Brian put up of Natalie scooping hail into a bucket.
Now get back to work you fools!
Since Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer! Yea for being cancer free!
From Left: Aunt Theresa, Mom, JULIE NELSON!!, me and Mo. We all love, and look great in pink, if I do say so myself!
http://www.kare11.com/life/community/events/racecure/cards2008/cardview.aspx?cid=6233
So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that.
