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Need I say more?
This child has the capability to walk. Will she? No. It is so frustrating!!! She can walk along furniture, walls, with the help of ONE finger, a pant leg or with anything she can push in front of her, but she won't do it on her own. First of all she thinks I am her horse. When I pick her up she kicks my side and points to where she wants to go. When I don't bring her or don't take her to what she was pointing at and saying "DA!" she throws a complete fit. She is Little Miss Do Everything In My Own Time and it SUCKS! We have tried making her walk. Doesn't work. She throws herself on the floor and screams like someone is pulling her arms out of the socket. The only good thing out of this situation is that she has now learned how to crawl and is pretty fast. So, not so much butt scooting now-a-days. She is a 27 pound kid and my back hurts from carrying her. WALK DAMN IT! I SWEAR IT IS EASIER THAN CRAWLING AT YOUR SIZE!
I am writing this blog to remember that she is almost 17 months and not walking. I am also hoping that in two days I can write again to tell everyone that miraculously she started to walk. We'll see what happens.
Yes I am. I never really sleep anyways. I just rest with my eyes closed. Just think of all the things I could get done if I spent my 8 hours a night doing things around the house instead of resting!
I was finishing up on some master's stuff and decided to catch up on blogs. Way to go everyone!
I love Sarah's stamped concrete, I'm sad about Amy's impatients, I won't comment on Molly's recent entry and love the picture that Brian put up of Natalie scooping hail into a bucket.
Now get back to work you fools!
Since Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer! Yea for being cancer free!
From Left: Aunt Theresa, Mom, JULIE NELSON!!, me and Mo. We all love, and look great in pink, if I do say so myself!
http://www.kare11.com/life/community/events/racecure/cards2008/cardview.aspx?cid=6233
So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that.
I have never had a pair of Dr. Martens before, but when they were buy one get one 1/2 off, Molly and I both got a pair. I got brown like the ones shown and she got black. She had a pair of black Mary Jane's before and loved them, so I thought I would give it a try. They are a little hard to get used to, but I can see why they last so long. They were definately worth the money. I think I want a black pair now.
But not for me unfortunately.
This is an unnatural love for index cards with lots of numbers and symbols on them. Yes, you guessed it. Strato cards. I currently have three men examining these cards with so much concentration that when making snide remarks about what I did with one of the cards like: putting it down the garbage disposal, wiping Natalie's butt with it and lighting it on fire, Messer gave me a Sprecher's Root Beer just to shut me up.
Thankfully Lucas, my savior, is taking them out of my house tonight to bring them back to the Grove. Definitely a more central area for other crazies to go and drool over them some more. Sorry guys, they may be a little soggy already.
My all time favorite movie quote is by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham after Susan Sarandon asks what his character, Crash, does believe in...
"Well I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curve ball, high fiber, good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontage are self-indulgent overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."
I was going to have this be a tag blog, but Brian tells me that Soop already did something like this a while ago...So, Amy, if you want to go for it, you're it.
I don't know if I should put this out there or not. I don't know if any of you are going to want to read this right now either, but I am hoping it is going to help me. This blog has not been the most positive place in the world, but I am also hoping that as the year goes on, it will get more upbeat.
I was talking to our social worker at school who got into her field because of grief. I have talked to her a lot about Rory, and when I brought her the news about this death, she felt terrible for our entire group. I have cried a lot in her room and during one of our conversations about him, she asked if I would ever be able to write him a letter. My reply was, maybe someday, but I don't think I could do it anytime soon. After talking with Brian about it, I came to the conclusion that I should write him multiple letters. Many of you know that there are different stages of grief. I am planning on writing him a letter as I go through those different stages. Right now, I am still very angry about Rory's decision to take his life and you will see that anger in this letter. So this is your WARNING. Please do not read on if you don't want to.
Here goes...
Rory,
I can barely type your name without crying. I hate that. I haven't come to the realization that I am not going to see you ever again. My brain can't wrap around that thought. It just feels like life is busy and we haven't gotten a chance to give you a call to see when you can come over to dinner. I always made whatever you wanted. The two usuals were lasagna and enchiladas.
I don't understand the disease you had and I'm sure that is why I'm so angry. I can say to others "He's not in any pain anymore," and "We always thought this day might come," but inside I am screaming "Why couldn't you just keep on trying! We can figure this out. Brian and I are here to help you and we can get through this!" Damn it, I hate you for not wanting to keep on fighting.
I needed you to be around to teach the girls about music. I needed you to tell them "the stuff that your mom listens to is ok, but here is the really good shit." They aren't going to have that now and I hate you for that. I needed you to be around so that we could talk about Brian while he was in the room, but say the things as if he wern't. I hate that I am never going to hear you laugh that one loud "HA!" and then quieter chuckles after that.
You were such a brilliant person. Having said that you should have known that children are the best judges of character. If you were a truly awful person inside, the kids you worked with and the children of the people in the group would have seen it. I believe they can sense that. The kids loved you. That should have been how you knew you were a good person inside and out.
It breaks my heart to know that you thought about having a family like you mentioned in your letter. It almost makes me sick to my stomach that that woman will never find you and that child will never be born. You had so much to offer, even if you never truly believed your life was worth anything. I am here to tell you it was and I want you to believe me. I have never lied to you and I don't plan on starting to lie to myself now about how I feel about your suicide. I hate that you took your life. I hate how you decided to do it. I hate that it was during the late morning light and not during the early dark morning hours.
I drive across train tracks twice everyday. I drive across them on 170th, and follow them along HWY 3 into Rosemount and back home again at the end of the day. It wouldn't matter which way I go to work, I have to cross them at one time or another. I hear the trains in my classroom and at home. Nattie sometimes notices when they are going behind our house and says "Mamma! Look a train!" With tears in my eyes I say "That's right. And what does a train say?"
I had a dream where someone rang our doorbell and when I answered it you were standing there with a huge smile on your face. It was almost as if you were saying "Gotcha!" But of course you would say something much more slang than that. From there me, you and Brian all went somewhere to talk and I got to tell you all the things I ever wanted to tell you and all the things I thought about what you did. You just sat there and listened, with no emotion what-so-ever.
I'm tired of being mad at you and I hope it goes away soon. Some days are better than others, but I am really struggling without you in this world. I want you back and I know that it's selfish, but you were selfish for taking your life. I am finding myself in my own depressed state. It has been very hard for me to motivate to get things done around the house and at school. A part of me is constantly sad. If you were here, I could ask you how to get through it. If you were here, I wouldn't have to be sad. Brian is starting to worry about me. But that's what Brian does. He takes care of the people he loves and he took care of you too. I know you know that, but you needed to TELL him that before you left us. I hate that a part of his heart is gone forever now. I know that he will heal to some extent, but he will also never be whole again. You left many people feeling that way.
I love you and I hate that you're not around.
Gina
So in continuation to the last post, we got a call from our pediatrician on Monday saying that it looks like Natalie has Celiac Disease. We are waiting for a couple more tests, but we have already started her on a gluten free diet. She hasn't gotten sick since Saturday and since we have taken gluten out of her diet, she is starting to get that sparkle back in her eyes.
On top of finding out that news, the girls both developed a cold over the weekend, and after having low grade fevers for two nights, I decided to take today off and bring them into the doctors office. It turns out, both girls have ear infections in their right ears, and they both need to be on a nebulizer throughout the day. Natalie is needs it 2-3 times a day and Macie needs it every 4 hours until their coughs goes away.
I will say that even though everything above mentioned completely sucks, I love my kids doctors office. I'm not just talking about the pediatrician. I'm talking about Crystal who works at the front desk, LeeAnn, our pediatricians nurse, Amy, who used to be the nurse we saw and Rachel, the nurse practitioner who works at the clinic. They know the names of our girls and both Brian and I. They truly care about what is going on in our lives. An example of this is when I went in today, LeeAnn came out and told me that she was crying yesterday after hearing the news about Natalie. They care about the girls like they were their own and that means so much to us.
I also can't say enough about Maureen, Nattie and Macie's daycare lady. She treats the girls as if they were hers and as a working parent, that is exactly what I needed in a daycare provider. She wants as much information about the disease so that she can make Natalies life as normal as possible at daycare. Tonight we went to Valley Natural Food grocery store together to look for some food for Natalie. She will also be coming with us to the nutricianist appointment we have in a few weeks. She has been such a blessing in our lives.
I am surrounded by family and friends that are so supportive and I truly appriciate everything people have done for us. Whether that be calling to find out about the girls or simply just thinking about them during the day. Your thoughts and prayers have been heard and we are so grateful. Thank you.
