SOOPerman

So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.

Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.

Updates:

The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.

Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.

Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.

Other Thoughts:

Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.

Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.

After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...

Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.

I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"

To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"   

Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.

I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.

Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?

No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that.